A Mom’s Letter to the Freaking Elf on the Shelf!
Dear Elf on the Shelf,
I hate you!
When you 1st arrived at our house I thought you were the cutest dang thing ever! I placed you so gingerly on the mantle and my kids looked at you with such adoration. The kids were so well behaved that year under your watchful eye.
Fast-forward about 5 years and now you are just a big pain in my a**!
And to be honest, you are a little creepy. I mean the creepy like you might kill me in my sleep kind of creepy.
I swear that your eyes have moved multiple times as I walked across the room. I honestly don’t know how you don’t give my kids nightmares.
By the way, do you know how hard it is to come up with somewhere to put you every night for 5 Christmas seasons? That’s 120 times that I have had to find somewhere to put you. 120 times!
Oh, and FYI, as my kids got older they expected you to be more elaborate with your antics. In comes Pinterest. For the love of God, I am trolling Pinterest every damn night to try to figure something out.
Do you know how mean it is for you to expect parents to remember to move you every night? We are trying to keep tiny humans alive here! We have mommy brains and forget everything. Don’t you know this? There have been countless nights where I frantically jump out of bed because I forgot to move you.
Also, too many times to mention how you didn’t go back to the North Pole that night because the kids were “too naughty.” You are just setting us parents up to fail.
Why do you also always have to be so naughty and make such a mess? A mess that I have to clean up in the end! Do you know what an idiot I feel like making a mess in my own house for me to later clean up…
I’m sorry Mr. Elf but this might be the year that we come clean or maybe you might have to have a lethal accident so we can be done with this crap. Maybe you can go on a permanent road trip?